Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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