i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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