I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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