im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
My vagina just clenched in fear
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
