i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
