my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
