Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
