Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
