I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
