Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
