Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
