New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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