she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
