So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
