I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Do vagina's smell?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
