Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
not ubering you a puppy
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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