Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
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im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
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the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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