my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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