dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
