she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Randomize
