Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
