Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
