im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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