I molested 6 butterflies tonight
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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