I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You need a sexual gate keeper
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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