So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
