everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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