Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
