WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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