Redeem this text for a blowjob
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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