6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
