take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
