My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
