Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
