the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
