you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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