Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You ruined the universe
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
