nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
