3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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