apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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