I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
