and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
