Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
