plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
