the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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