i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
