It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
