hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
