It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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