my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
the raccoons are back...
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