I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
