If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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