You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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