i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Text me some of your sweat
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
