I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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