I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
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She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
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