I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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