It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
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