making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
