I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
