i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You may now shotgun with the bride
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
