You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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