well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
