I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
