at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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